Funny / Satire
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'They Will Never Take The Precious From Us!' Hisses Democrat Tightly Clutching Mask
PORTLAND, OR—In a dark cave outside Portland, a burglar has reported that he spotted local liberal man Greg Frederic sitting on a rock in the middle of a pond, whispering sweet nothings to his mask.
babylonbee.com
Tom Cruise Makes Desperate Plea To Get People Back To Theaters: 'I'm Down To My Last $100 Million'
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Tom Cruise made a desperate plea to get fans back into movie theaters and end the Hollywood slowdown, telling fans he’s “almost destitute” and “down to his last $100 million.” This comes after the actor previously told fans to stay home, stay safe for the last 14 months.
babylonbee.com
LEGO Unveils New Genderless Bricks With No Male/Female Connectors
BILLUND, DENMARK—As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, LEGO has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors. The entirely smooth bricks have no suggestive male nubs or female receptors and instead have entirely smooth, androgynous sides all around.
babylonbee.com
Progressive OB/GYN Ultrasound Tech Refuses To Tell Couples Whether Baby Boy Or Girl
WEST ROXBURY, MA—Most expectant couples can’t wait to find out the sex of their unborn baby at around 18–20 weeks gestation. But they’re in for a surprise if they visit the OB/GYN office where Marianne Wynne is an ultrasound technician.
babylonbee.com
BLM Sends Rioters To Gaza To Protest Israel By Burning Down Palestinian Businesses
GAZA—BLM has expressed solidarity with Hamas and Palestine by sending organizers to protest Israel by rampaging through Gaza and burning down Palestinian-owned businesses.
babylonbee.com
Satan Announces Masks Will Still Be Required In Hell
HELL—With the lifting of CDC guidance regarding masks for vaccinated persons, Satan has released a statement assuring the damned that masks will still be required in all levels of hell.
babylonbee.com
