Funny / Satire
- Thread starter Ssayer
- Start date
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted..
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted..
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied..
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied..
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is
from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New
Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the
fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's
$4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials,
$3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box,
the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New
Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the
fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's
$4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials,
$3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for
you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box,
the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
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