Funny / Satire

[Smilingreen]

On their 50th anniversary, Maggie found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Jeemag , and asked, “Honey, do ye remember is?”
He looked up from his newspaper and said; “Yes dear, I do. Ye wore at same negligee e night we were merried.”She said, “Yes, at’s right. Do ye remember what ye said till me at night?”
He nodded and said “Yes dear, I said: ‘Oh baby, I’m going to sook e life oot oh ose boobs and screw yer brains oot’.”
She giggled and said, “at’s exactly what ye said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in e same negligee. What do you hev till say now?”
He looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.

 

[Smilingreen]

 

[Smilingreen]

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old
farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and
their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most
politicians are 'Post Turtles'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked
him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said,
"When you're driving down
a country road and you come across a fence post
with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the
doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You
know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't
belong up there, he doesn't know what to
do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind
of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."


Best explanation of a
politician I've ever heard

 

[Smilingreen]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

 

[Smilingreen]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday..
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb...Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you just tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Cat Fish Stink Bait is $3.50

 

[samplenhold]

 

[Smilingreen]

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

 

[Smilingreen]

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

 

[wittaj]

 

[Smilingreen]

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

 

[samplenhold]

Sorry, I need to vent! I guess I am becoming cranky in my old age!

I experienced the absolute WORST customer service earlier today at a store by me.
At the moment, I'm not going to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to address this situation.
So, this past Sunday, I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. When I took it home I found out it didn't work, so earlier today, less than 24 hours later, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund...
The person working at the store told me, “NO!”

I went back home and got the receipt, went back to the store, and showed it to them and again they said "NO!!"

At that point, I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Yet again this person told me "NO!!!"

I was fit to be tied; I asked to speak to the manager, since I was seriously not happy with how I was being treated. When the manager asked me what the problem was, I explained that I had bought the item, and when I got home, it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was, "OUT OF LUCK."

Think about it!
No REFUND!
No FREE replacement!
They Just LAUGHED at me!

I will NEVER, EVER buy a Lotto Ticket from there again.

 

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