Funny / Satire

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
 
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The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked Paddy
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy and hung up the phone.
 
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A Mother-in-Law decides to test her three Son in-laws for their good nature.
For this She goes for a walk by a River with the 1st Son-In-Law & jumps in. He saves her.
Next morning He finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: " From your Mother-In-Law".
Next She goes for a walk by the River with the 2nd Son-In-Law & jumps in. He too saves her.
Next morning He also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: "From your Mother-In-Law".
Next She goes for a walk by a River with the 3rd
Son-In-Law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.
Next morning He finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note: " From your Father-In-Law!"
 
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We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, “Man, what happened to you? He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night, it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, “Man, what happened?"
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night… Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
 
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A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”
The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”
So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”
The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”
So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.
Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”
“Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.
“You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”
The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
 
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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.
Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"
Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"
Old lady: "I think I should speak to the Bank Manager since it's such a large cash deposit."
Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a million dollars you are probably right."
The bank assistant calls for the Manager, and after explaining the situation the Manager arrives.
Bank Manager "So my assistant tells me you want to deposit one million dollars. May I ask how you came in possession of one million dollars?"
Old lady: "Naturally. I earned them by betting. I actually make a living from betting!"
Manager "I find that hard to believe. Want kind of betting do you do?"
Old lady: "All sorts of betting. As an example I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are squared."
Manager "Umm... I don't... Umm.. Well. Under normal circumstances I don't bet but this seems so absurd that I'll agree."
So the manager and the old lady shake hand and the Manager how and when this bet should be settled.
Old lady: "Well considering that this is a bet of $25,000 I'd like my lawyer to be present and when I do the inspection. So how about we meet with my lawyer tomorrow morning?"
The Manager agrees to this, happy to have earned $25,000$ this easy.
Next morning he walks into the office of the locally well respected lawyer and greets the old lady.
Not wanting to waste his time, he unbuttons his pants, pulls down his underwear and as the old lady lifts his balls up for inspection he notices the lawyer banging his head against the wall repeatedly.
Quite startled the bank director looks at the old lady and asks
Bank director: "What is going on with your lawyer?!"
Old lady (grinning) "Oh well. Yesterday I bet him a million dollars that within 24 hours I would be holding the balls of the Branch Manager in my very hand..."
 
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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
 
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