Joke Thread

Little kid is walking down the hall of his house, hears screaming in his parents bedroom, opens the door and there's his father dressed only in chaps and his mother is dressed in a cheer leading outfit and no underweared and they're really having fun. The kid says what's goin on? The father says oh don't worry we're just having fun. Go back to bed I'll be down there and tuck you in in a minute.

20 minutes later the father walks down the hall and hears screaming in the kids bedroom. Opens the door and there's his kid having sex with his grandmother. Father says Billy what are you doing!

Kid says it's not so funny when it's your mother is it.
 
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Little Johnny asked his mom. "Mommy, mommy, do people go to heaven feet first?"
I don't know Johnny, why do you ask?
Johnny says "I just walked by Aunt Pam's room and she was laying on her bed with her feet up in the air screaming 'Oh god, I'm coming, Oh god I'm coming'. And she woulda gone if daddy hadn't been there to hold her down".
 
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Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.
 
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A few new words and their definitions:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
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Guy's having trouble with his wife and he calls his best friend and says you gotta meet me at a bar- I gotta talk to you.

So they go to a bar and he starts drinking and he drinks so much he throws up on his shirt. He says now what am I gonna do- I'm gonna go home and she gonna scream at me- probably gonna hit me.

His friend says don't worry about a thing. Tell her you had one drink, the guy next to you drank too much, got sick and threw up on your shirt and to prove it he put 10 dollars in your pocket to get it clean- I'm putting 10 dollars right in there.

He says you're brilliant!

He goes home and says I'm home. She comes downstairs and starts screaming at him and he says listen to me- I had one drink but a guy next to me at the bar got sick, threw up on my shirt and to prove it he put 10 dollars in my pocket to get it cleaned. She reaches in and says there's 20 dollars here.

He says I know- he also crapped in my pants.
 
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There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
 
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ERCOT
 
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