LOL! This hits close to home....I'm in rural NW Alabama and my DSL ( actually ADSL) is 3.0meg down / 512KL up. Yep, 3.0 M down. And that's if the wind isn't blowing or nobody farts. It's almost like having NO Internet at times. Like two Dixie cups and some string (or wire).
I lived in N. CA's Silicon Valley for 29 years and would likely have fiber by now (or 5 years ago) but after my divorce in '04 I couldn't afford to live there anymore. Looking back it was still a good trade: bad wife for mediocre DSL. Constant complaining for tranquility. Ahhhh.